One thing I really hate.

One thing I really hate is when people are mean for no reason. I just sit there and think what is the point? If someone didn't do anything to you than why do you have to be mean to them? I see this every single day and it just makes me so mad. I think I am an all around good person and I try to be nice to everyone because everyone deserves it. I just don't understand why us as humans do this or how we can even do this to one another. I'm not going to sit here and act like I am ok with it because I'm not. Just the other day someone was picking on and being mean to someone in one of my classes and I just had to say something and that person looked at me and was just flat out rude. Are you being serious right now?! I was trying to be nice and now you have to pick on me, are we six years old here? You are in high school, act like it. We are way past the point of not accepting people and being nice to them. You never know where that person is coming from and you have NO IDEA what they might have to deal with. Don't be that person to make things worse. Next time you find yourself doing this just look at yourself and ask what would you do if someone treated you like that. If you are alright with that than that is your life but do not and I repeat DO NOT make someone feel like that.

Am I a poet?

So since I have started this poetry class at my high school, I have been writing poems more often. Literally every time something pops into my head I have to write it down. Recently, I went to a performance poetry scholarship contest and I ended up winning. I really never thought that what I wrote was that good. I am so happy that my poetry actually did something for me. The judges told me I was a really well developed writer and that I should keep writing! This is the poem I presented at the contest.

I feel like everything around me is closing in.
My head spins and spins around on a pin
that sticks sharp in my cerebral
infused trips of this small picture
these clowns like to call a life.
My brain splits,
I seem to always keep my head
Down so no one can see me cry
So no one can see me smile
So no one, can just see me at all.
You see deaths cold embrace
Was a thing I sat awake
And dreamed about.
My glorious death day,
but now that path to
what used to be my greatest goal;
Seems to be drifting.
My teenage day dreams
Turned into symphonic nightmares.
Nightmares that squeeze my chest
to tight my heart burst
out of my throat
and blood spits from
damaged splits that no one
ever saw before you left your head
Just to show the world how broken
your tiara is.
My head stays down
and has grown to love the look
the touch, the taste,
THE AFFECTION the trembling
ground under my feet gave me.
It seems like I'm back tracking
and recalling memories of
pain and feeling sorry for myself
for things like
The monsters under my bed
sneaking into my room at night
just to hear the cold blooded
screams my skin made as your fingers touched my skin.
Or that time that Daddy said he
loved you, but only because you
were his only ticket to that rush her got from
Poppin' his mind filling candy and
vain quenching heat of passion he called an addiction.
Yes an addiction that seemed like
the other sister
only she was the pretty on
and daddy always loved coming home to her every night.
My head is stuck in this past present future box
Which I shall never get away from.
I've had fingers that didn't belong
here touch my hair and my skin that I
used to love until I looked down and see these scares.
There scares all of you chipped into
but just for your own physical enjoyment.
Every time you walked in
Scanned your little dungeon
and touch my beloved 5 year old body,
that was just another scare my mind
couldn't figure out how to heal and just,
One
More
Emotion
One more emotion that vented out into my everyday life.
Every vent turned into scares
and every scare turned into a new habit.
You. You are the one that I see in my dreams.
You are the Freddie I see in my nightmares.
You are the man that claws
away at my sleep pattern,
causing screams and bleeding
volcanic eruptions in my stomach.
But see, I never told anyone about you until now.
Until my scares can never be kissed by the light
of beautiful happiness.
It's funny you see these scares aren't mine.
These scares? That are hidden all
over my body? Are your problem.
Every day you hear my name
I wan your ears to bleed and all the
air to escape from your lungs
just like mine did every time you
said you loved me.
You see I saw no love
From your actions
Or even your words.
Actually I saw no love at all
to me all I ever saw was
Most likely the best
Nightmare, ever thought of.


Thank you :)  

Like always....

                                                                Like always…

Deanna                                                                                Both                                                      Jeremy

                                                                                Love,

                                                                                                                                Love is the way your heart beats

                                                                                                                                And passion races through the skin

                                                                                                                                Of people who thought low was

                                                                                                                                An invisible action that makes

                                                                                                                                Your whole body weak,

Is a mountain climb.

You climb your mountain

Until you can’t take it anymore

Your heart cried out as if your sweat

Could speak sweet words of passion.

                                                                               

                                                                                  I  wanna talk about love

I want to feel your hands interlocking in mine

                                                               

                                                                                                                                If this thing isn’t love then my heart

                                                                                                                                Has committed a crime and I’m afraid

                                                                                                                                You’ll have to cardiac arrest me.

                                                                Your heart beats out words to

                                                                The secrets of love but you

                                                                Can never understand them

                                                                Because it’s like a math problem

                                                                With no solution.

                                                                Pointless.

You see, his love cast a spell,

                                                                                                                                Over my heart,

                                                                And each and every dream

                                                                That my mind paints,

My hand

                                                                                                                                Fits in yours.

                                                                                Love…

Mine and Jeremy's double voice poem. 

Go bully, you big bully.

This week, I want to talk about the bullying that happens the most. This type of bullying isn't what a lot of people think is bullying but it is. People bully themselves all the time. It's sad really, but everyone does it. No matter who you are you have bullied your self several times. I even bully myself, and i do it almost everyday. Just like today, I was buying a dress for this show I am going to and everything I tried on i thought looked bad, I thought I looked fat in. I hated it. Despite what people told me all I saw was what I hated about my body. I told my myself I was ugly and fat and I could work put more, and I don't need to eat for a few days. I wouldn't say this is a way to bully or be bullied if it wasn't for eating disorders and other forms of self harm. Did you know that more females have self harm problems then males? I bet you also didn't know that a girls self esteem is harmed by guys majority of the time. I am not saying that guys never have those issues, they do, but stuff like anorexia and cutting happens more often than it does in males. If you always beet your self up about little things and you never see anything good about your self, you should talk to someone. I have had a lot of experience with this self bullying. When I was 13 years old my dad told me I was getting fat after I went through a lot of issues with my grandfather and moving schools, I started eating more and more to help cope with my feelings about everything. After he said that to me, it ran through my head for weeks, months, almost a year. I stopped eating everyday because of what my dad said and I only ate three times a week. I noticed I started losing weight so I went back to eating normally. Then school came back around. I really liked this guy and I always tried to talk to him and when I finally got a chance to, I tried flirting with him and he told me he "wasn't into fat girls." I really didn't thing I was all that bad, but once again, I didn't want to eat. I only ate once a week and I was always tired and got so sick. I slipped into this numbness that my brain couldn't escape. I didn't know what to do. I went from 145 pounds to only 99 in a little under three months. I was happy. I thought I looked great until one day I saw my little brother (he lives with his day 1000 miles away from me so I see him four times a year) he told me he was afraid of me because I didn't look like a person. To be honest, I really didn't. Now I'm so glad my little brother said that to me. People call me fat now but all I do its pick up some more chocolate and eat it right in their faces. I am happy to say that I have overcome my fears of what I thought so hard about myself, and I am happy to sit here and tell you that I am 5'2" and I weigh 125 pounds, and I could care less what anyone thinks, even myself.  

I have already talked about the bad that has come from bullying. Please don't think that all criticism is bad and considered bullying though. There is both good and bad bullying. Bullying can be hurtful just for the soul purpose to hurt you or can hurt but in a way that will make you stronger as a person. Bullying is a touchy subject that is almost always thought of as a bad thing. People automatically think of the stereotypical high school bully beating kids up and taking their lunch money. Although this kind of violent behavior and bullying should be given attention it is important that we realize some of it is important to go through to develop. Teachers and parents do this a lot along with sports coaches. They yell at the kids for doing things in a manner they do not like, for dressing incorrectly, and for making mistakes. This does vary in intensity and manner, but all of it is for the better. The kids may get upset, cry if young and maybe even have second thoughts about participating in whatever it is, but when they stick it out and get back into it they have new knowledge of how to reach the expectations they are given. It isn't just the adults either. Kids give each other hard criticism as well, sometimes more harsh than an adult ever would. They can have more impact due to being from peers. This criticism is more important sometimes to kids for developing skills and expectations for society in their life. The truth they tell each other is hurtful but should not be taken personally. Use it to adapt to society or what ever it is you are participating in so that is can help you become better. Bullying should not be taken lightly. It can be very mean and even meant to hurt you. Verbal and especially physical can sometimes do nothing but make things worse. Do not however thing all hurtful words are a negative thing. People will be truthful and it can hurt, but use it to fuel your strive for success. You can learn valuable lessons from positive bullying. Next time someone gives you a harsh criticism think about it long and hard. Think about if they truly were trying to hurt you or if you can use it in a way to help yourself improve. As always, thank you for reading. (:

More about what I think

Just recently I was "bullied" in a way. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw a mean message to me and the person blocked me so I couldn't see who it was. This really bugged me. Not just because what they said but because they wouldn't show me who they were. Like I said before I used to be bullied and this person, who ever they were, said things what people used to say to me. They just plain called me ugly and that was enough to make me think, wow, this used to hurt me so bad. I'm not sure if many of you know me but just today I did my Where I come From poem. I wrote my poem about how I used to deal with the pain of other peoples words. That person is no longer me and I have changed so much but what if I had not changed at all? Did this person even think about what they were sending to me before they sent it? I am guessing they didn't. Everyone has a story to tell and you never know what that story is. If you just watch what you say and think about it a little you just might make someone feel better. After this random person messaged me people were trying to make me feel better. That also has a big role in it. If you have someone to help you through with the feelings you feel then it is so much better. Just remember not everyone has that like you do.

You may not know me but I may act like nothing bugs me but deep down inside words still hurt me, not it the same way but they still do. To this day I still get called fat, weird, and ugly, but i never let that get to me the same way. Yes it makes me sad but that is their opinion of me and I could care less what they think about me.

I am sure that many of you are wanting to know why I am so big on bullying. I'm not sure if many of you know but when I was younger I was bullied a lot in elementary school and in middle school. It felt so terrible. I didn't have anyone there when I was going through all of this. My family never noticed and I had to little friends to care. I never spoke out agents this group of people that would just hurt me everyday. I literally got called every name in the book. I got called fat, ugly, a large profound vocabulary these three girls had towards me. I cried every single night and no one ever asked me what was wrong. This was all seventh grade year. That following year the bullying had stopped for a short period of time because over the summer I made a few friends over the summer and I got a boyfriend and for awhile I thought I was happy. Months later, my thoughts were completely wrong. I lost a bunch of my friends because of the guy I was dating and that guy left me, so I was all alone. High School came around and I join a group called NJROTC. I made friends with people I have never even met before and some upper class men too. My social life got so much better. I did things on the weekend and people called me by my real name, not same harsh words some kids used to say to me. I really thought things were perfect this time. In December, i was so wrong. Some guy told his girlfriend I was trying to "hook up" with them. This girl was my best friend, I lost everything. Her and her friend pushed me up into walls and called me slut in the hallway. They told people lies about things I have done and just like before, no one helped me. My family noticed something was wrong and when my parents asked me all i could do was cry. So we moved out of my school district. This new school was so much worse. People called me freak because I didn't like what all of them liked, I didn't want to go to there football games and I didn't want to wear school colors. I mean why should I? They were all mean to me. I moved back hoping things would be better for me. To my surprise they were. The people that bullied me were gone and the real friends I had were there backing me up and I really was happy this time. After all of this happened I never wanted anyone to feel what I felt. I came from having no friends to being this happy person with a lot of people behind her. I hate seeing when people do evil things to others. So I want to help stop these things :)